Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Men & Women Cannot be JUST friends
Got into a discussion and some girl talk with my 17-year old niece over this song.
I told her every girl goes through having a friend...you think or you actually love...but...either he loves someone else or you yourself are not sure what you have between the 2 of you. You are very close to each other but not intimate. You know each other deeply but not committed. People see you and think you're a couple but you're not.
So what are you? More than friends, less than lovers. In limbo.
Over dinner, I asked her 20 year old brother if he feels that such closeness between a boy and a girl can really happen and the 2 remain JUST friends?
Yes, he said it is possible if the boy does not cross over that thin line of being JUST friends. I guess what he means by that thin line, is he avoids "the kiss", the "touch" and the "3 words"....just keep it to the talks and walks. He also said that boys can remain friends but it's the girls who will often feel different and start questioning then perhaps, expecting.
No, This movie, "When Harry Met Sally" says it is not possible. Watch why.
So what's a girl to believe in?
My mom put it best. Every girl wants to be loved so let yourself be loved. A guy who likes you will do anything to make you happy. You do not even have to lift a finger to keep his attention. You already got him at hello. To be loved, learn to love yourself first. Because just being you already makes him want to be always near you. He wants you, and only you. No one else. If this happens, you better be ready for some serious lovin' :-) This is the time to think what he is to you.
As for the guys who don't fit the bill above, "buddy" is what he should be to you...for now. Perhaps it can change. Time will tell, as Kuya said.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Love and Courtship in the Filipino Culture
TUKSUHAN
The traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is shy and secretive about her real feelings for a suitor and denies it even though she is really in love with the man.
Tuksuhan lang (just teasing) is the usual term associated with pairing off potential couples in Filipino culture. This is common among teenagers and young adults. It is a way of matching people who may have mutual admiration or affection for each other. It may end up in a romance or avoidance of each other if the situation becomes embarrassing for both individuals.
Tuksuhan (teasing--and a girl's reaction to it) is a means for 'feeling out' a woman's attitude about an admirer or suitor. If the denial is vehement and the girl starts avoiding the boy, then he gets the message that his desire to pursue her is hopeless. The advantage of this is that he does not get embarrassed because he has not started courting the girl in earnest. As in most Asian cultures, Filipinos avoid losing face. Basted (from English busted) is the Tagalog slang for someone who fails to reach 'first base' in courting a girl because she does not have any feelings for him to begin with.
However, if the girl 'encourages' her suitor (either by being nice to him or not getting angry with the 'teasers'), then the man can court in earnest and the tuksuhan eventually ends. The courtship then has entered a 'serious' stage, and the romance begins.
A man who is unable to express his affection to a woman (who may have the same feelings for him) is called a torpe (stupid), dungo (extremely shy), or simply duwag (coward). To call a man torpe means he does not know how to court a girl, is playing innocent, or does not know she also has an affection for him.
If a man is torpe, he needs a tulay (bridge)--anyone who is a mutual friend of him and the girl he loves--who then conveys to the girl his affection for her. It is also a way of 'testing the waters' so to speak. If the boy realizes that the girl does not have feelings for him, he will then not push through with the courtship, thus saving face.
Some guys are afraid of their love being turned down by the girl. In Tagalog, a guy whose love has been turned down by the girl is called sawi (romantically sad), basted (busted), or simply labless (loveless). Click here for Tagalog romantic phrases used in Filipino courtship.
LIGAWAN:
COURTSHIP IN PHILIPPINE CULTURE
Panliligaw or ligawan are the Tagalog terms for courtship, which in some parts of the Tagalog-speaking regions is synonymous with pandidiga or digahan (from Spanish diga, 'to say, express'). Manliligaw is the one who courts a girl; nililigawan is the one who is being courted.
In Philippine culture, courtship is far more subdued and indirect unlike in some Western societies. A man who is interested in courting a woman has to be discreet and friendly at first, in order not to be seen as too presko or mayabang (aggressive or too presumptuous). Friendly dates are often the starting point, often with a group of other friends. Later, couples may go out on their own, but this is still to be done discreetly. If the couple has decided to come out in the open about their romance, they will tell their family and friends as well.
In the Philippines, if a man wants to be taken seriously by a woman, he has to visit the latter's family and introduce himself formally to the parents of the girl. It is rather inappropriate to court a woman and formalize the relationship without informing the parents of the girl. It is always expected that the guy must show his face to the girl's family. And if a guy wants to be acceptable to the girl's family, he has to give pasalubong (gifts) every time he drops by her family's house. It is said that in the Philippines, courting a Filipina means courting her family as well.
In courting a Filipina, the metaphor often used is that of playing baseball. The man is said to reach 'first base' if the girl accepts his proposal to go out on a date for the first time. Thereafter, going out on several dates is like reaching the second and third bases. A 'home-run' is one where the girl formally accepts the man's love, and they become magkasintahan (from sinta, love), a term for boyfriend-girlfriend.
During the old times and in the rural areas of the Philippines, Filipino men would make harana (serenade) the women at night and sing songs of love and affection. This is basically a Spanish influence. The man is usually accompanied by his close friends who provide moral support for the guy, apart from singing with him.
Filipino women are expected to be pakipot (playing hard to get) because it is seen as an appropriate behavior in a courtship dance. By being pakipot, the girl tells the man that he has to work hard to win her love. It is also one way by which the Filipina will be able to measure the sincerity of her admirer. Some courtships could last years before the woman accepts the man's love.
A traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is someone who is mahinhin (modest, shy, with good upbringing, well-mannered) and does not show her admirer that she is also in love with him immediately. She is also not supposed to go out on a date with several men. The opposite of mahinhin is malandi (flirt), which is taboo in Filipino culture as far as courtship is concerned.
After a long courtship, if the couple later decide to get married, there is the Filipino tradition of pamamanhikan (from panik, to go up the stairs of the house), where the man and his parents visit the woman's family and ask for her parents blessings to marry their daughter. It is also an occasion for the parents of the woman to get to know the parents of the man.
During pamamanhikan, the man and his parents bring some pasalubong (gifts). It is also at this time that the wedding date is formally set, and the couple become engaged to get married.
TAMPUHAN
The Tagalog term tampo has no English equivalent. Magtampo is usually translated as 'to sulk', but it does not quite mean that. 'Sulk' seems to have a negative meaning which is not expressed in magtampo. It is a way of withdrawing, of expressing hurt feelings in a culture where outright expression of anger is discouraged. For example, if a child who feels hurt or neglected may show tampo by withdrawing from the group, refusing to eat, and resisting expressions of affection such as touching or kissing by the members of the family. A woman may also show tampo if she feels jealous or neglected by her beloved. Tampuhan is basically a lovers' quarrel, often manifested in total silent treatment or not speaking to each other.
The person who is nagtatampo expects to be aamuin or cajoled out of the feeling of being unhappy or left out. Parents usually let a child give way to tampo before he/she is cajoled to stop feeling hurt.
Usually, tampo in Filipino culture is manifested in non-verbal ways, such as not talking to other people, keeping to one's self, being unusually quiet, not joining friends in group activities, not joining family outing, or simply locking one's self in his or her room.
Tagalog Love Words (An Essay)
Our Loving ways
by Edilberto Alegre
"Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ito bola."
The phrase is the first verse line of a song which was written by a teenager, so said a DJ of the time, in the early 1970s. That's some three decades ago. And yet we still hear it played on the radio, especially around this time of the year.
The line literally means "I love you, I love you, I am not joking." Bola means ball, as in basketball. To "make bola," a patent and peculiar English Tagalog statement, derives from Tagalog: e.g. Binobola mo lang ako, which implies saying untruths but in such a charming manner that what the speaker says appear to be true. It's related to "binibilog ang ulo," literally making a head round -- bola (ball) and bilog (circle) have the same shape round. It remotely recalls "drawing circles" around someone.
To make the title of this section sound closer to English, then: "Seriously, I love you." That deflates the statement though, since the translation is bereft of all that affection in a Pinoy's wooing of a woman. Affection and the lightness of language -- for she, if Pinoy, too, knows he can just be saying it but not truly meaning it, so he enjoins her at the end of the line plaintively: do believe me, hindi ito bola, seriously, peks man, cross my heart and hope to die.
Deep down the Pinoy knows words are just that -- words. Sounds articulated by the vocal cords. Nice to say, good to hear. They need not always carry the weight of truth. And we're adept at manipulating them. It's a cultural attitude to language. We're not supposed to believe everything we hear.
Verbal meaning is kahulugan. The root word is hulog which means "fall" (nahulog sa hagdan -- (s)he fell down the stairs) primarily and "partial" (hulugan -- installment) secondarily. So there are always implications and nuances and the truth is more in them than in the words themselves. So, the bearer must be assured by the speaker -- Hindi ito bola.
Oral speech especially is, then, a game. Politicians are masters of the game. Quezon and Marcos were acknowledged orators who exhibited their genius for bola in public fora here and abroad.
Love in the oral level is a game. There is the pursuer and the pursued. And there are the arrows of words to slay the wooed into belief. Even in the written certainly, the attitude to language is the same. No wonder then that the perennial best-seller continues to be a thin book of samples of loveletters. In Tagalog, that is.
Where is the truth of the loving, then? In the acts of loving, in the action of love -- especially those which are not meretricious; those which do not advertise the feeling of love and loving behind the act and actions. Wala sa salita; nasa gawa. Not in the words but in the actions.
How does one show na hindi ito bola? There is a cultural context to it, of course. As red roses in the west. There's the gift giving, too. But traditionally it's pasalubong -- bringing someone a gift since (s)he was not there when the giver was. A gift to show that one remembered. Valentine's Day is a foreign idea which has not yet seeped into our traditional cultures.
But let me dwell on it a bit. Red is the emblem of the heart (so very bloody, though!), as roses should be red if one wishes to get across love as the message of the giving. This one day even old people won't feel corny wearing red shirts or red skirt. I know, in fact, a few who have Valentine's Day attire which they take out only once a year.
In the 1970s there was this red-and-white taxi named Alfredo's. On that one day, riders who wore red or red-and-white were entitled to a 50% discount. See, how far we can go! Luneta (national park) in those times bloomed in red. That one crazy day!
They are not that crazy in Japan. Primarily it's because the culture which Valentine's Day still tries to penetrate does not possess the articulate meretriciousness of ours. Theirs is an oppressed society -- oppressed by feudalism which continues to fuel it. Their extreme behavior on this day consists of a mild reversal of roles, namely, the girls can gift the boys with chocolates to express their feelings. And that's confined to the young. Just the young.
Let me contrast that with a story here in Tacloban, Leyte (Eastern Visayas). A couple who had been married for almost three decades had seven children between them. On Valentine's Day morning, the husband forgot to greet his wife. She let it pass. In the evening he came home a bit tipsy. He had forgotten completely that it was Valentine's Day. When he was changing his clothes she threw her slippers at him. Love and loving we expect even after decades of togetherness.
HINDI ITO BOLA
These are stories from my hometown, Victoria in the province of Tarlac (Central Luzon). True-to-life love stories. There are many such stories there.
The first has to do with the parents of my closest friend, Ely. His father, Apo Sinti, was taciturn. Ely feared him. He knew he could whip a guava branch to pulp on an offending son's butt. During his entire life Ely remembers only one event -- the father made a top for him using only a bolo (sword). He does not remember him talking to him at all.
In contrast, the mother -- Apo La Paz -- was always talking. They had a huge house on our Calle Real (now Rizal St.) and they had always a slew of maids. She inherited quite a large mass of riceland so she was used to ordering people about.
Apo Sinti found eating at the family table a bother. Perhaps he could not stand Apo La Paz's incessant yakking which became worse during meals. So, Apo Sinti had his special table in the kitchen. A rather small one. He always ate ahead of everybody. Apo La Paz herself, not a maid, would set the table. Then she'd have him called.
He'd come, sit down, and eat silently. She'd be bustling in the kitchen -- checking the food a-cooking on the stoves, the setting of their huge family table, the gradual filling up of the dining room with people, food, and the drinks and sweets which were on another table ready for serving.
During all this she would check on Apo Sinti -- saw to his glass of iced water which had to be replenished always, and the banana which was his preferred fruit. They did not speak with each other. He ate all that was served him. She knew exactly how much rice he ate and what viands he preferred and how much of these he consumed.
Then as silently as he came in, he'd leave. Apo La Paz would then call one of the maids to clean the table and place it in one corner of the kitchen.
One Sunday morning, Apo Sinti staggered to a traysikad, a bicycle with a side car, even before the mass ended in our one Catholic Church proximate to the town plaza. He didn't make it back to their house. He had a heart attack.
Apo La Paz cried, but she didn't wail. She saw to all the funeral arrangements. She was the overseer of the wake. After the funeral she retired to her room. She had to be called for the family meals. She receded into silence.
After a month, she died.
The second story, has to do with the old couple across our house. I don't remember their names. They were a very quiet, self-contained husband-and-wife. They married late, it seems. Their only child was a loquacious tall male who since childhood manifested strong signs of effeminateness.
The son was away for high school. And then a terribly extended medical schooling. They didn't seem to mind. The old man hardly went out of the house. The old woman we hardly saw. All that I remember of them is her standing around as he watered the many plants their son loved. Their yard was a veritable garden.
Every few days a young boy would sweep the yard. The old couple would be seated in their veranda. I have no recollection of their voices. But they did talk with each other. I could see them from our own second-floor veranda.
One day the old man fell ill. The young boy called my father, who was a medical doctor. My father said it was serious. After three days he died. The effeminate son came back and made quite a scene in his wailing and flailing about. He returned to his medical school after the funeral.
We only got news of the old woman from the young boy who stayed with her. He was the son of one of their tenants. He said that she refused to go out of her room. He served her her meals there. She receded into silence.
After two weeks, she died.
These two old couples remind me of a Guy de Maupassant short story. A hunter shot a bird. The other bird, its mate obviously, circled around it. It refused to leave. It kept going around the spot where the first bird fell. Gradually it went down, still moving in circles. It was as if it wanted to be shot, too. The hunter aimed at it and killed it.
They remind me, too, of an old Indian myth. In the beginning, Man and Woman were one. Somehow they got separated. The Man went to the right. The Woman went to the left. They had been looking for each other since then.
Love or, I suppose, marriage in the myth is the discovery of our other half. The Man and the Woman become one again. We go through life looking for our other half, that which would complete us. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes not. If we don't then we go through another cycle of life, another cycle of searching. Life is a quest for completion by way of finding the Man or Woman who is our lost other half.
In our culture we call this completion of self love.
BASICALLY LOVE IS
What does our language tell us about love? There's a range starting with wooing, suyuan, an old fine Tagalog word that indicates a man's declaration of his love by overt action, verbal or otherwise. Usually it's non-verbal -- singing, glancing or stealing glances, services -- and indirect. Ligaw, a more modern term, has directness.
Ibig connotes desire, wanting, even an impulse to possess the other. Its highest statement, though, is love of country -- pag-ibig sa tinubuang lupa which carries a hint of self-immolation.
Mahal implies valuation, therefore, the other is prized, valued highly. It's root meaning has to do with the monetary cost of goods as in Mahal ang mga bilihin ngayon (Goods are costly now).
While manuyo (from suyo) and manligaw are active, they are traditionally a man's action toward a woman. A one-sided wooing, a pursuit of the woman's heart.
Ibig and mahal are feelings. They express the content of the heart that pursues. The words are focused on what the wooer feels for the wooed. There are three words which have become poetic because, I think, they are old expressions. Irog is fondness or affection for another. When there's a hint of yearning it becomes giliw. When there is reciprocity it becomes sinta. And thus sweethearts or lovers or magkasintahan. And when one introduces the other the term of reference is kasintahan. If it's friendship it's ka-ibig-an; a friendship which has a latent possibility for desire. Kasintahan is closer to affection.
Purely physical desire is of another category altogether: pagnanais. The root word nais implies focused desire; focused on an object or objection, that is. While that which is desirable is kanais-nais, its opposite, di-kanais-nais, is not only not nice but unpleasant.
In contrast to pagnanais the words which refer to love or loving (suyo, ligaw, ibig, mahal, irog, giliw, sinta) contain a lightness -- fondness, affection, yearning. There's no obsessiveness, no imprisoning. There's the lightness of flowing air, the grace of morning's tropical sunlight.
No possessiveness. Perhaps this has to do with man's regard for woman, for it is the man who woos. More probably though, it has to do with the completion of the self with, in, and through one other person (the kita relationship in Tagalog) as only one aspect of the I -- personhood: there's also ako (just the self and no other), tayo (relationship with two or more persons, including the person directly addressed) and kami (also with two or more persons, but excluding the person directly addressed).
The completion of the self in kita cannot possibly deny tayo and kami. While one desires, one wants, too, to yield. There can be and there is passion, physical, but it dissolves in tenderness, in affection, in fondness. Softness wins out in Pinoy loving: it's only in yielding the self that one becomes complete.
Loving is the dialectic dialogue between desire and affection. And love brings us to a new realm -- beyond desire, beyond tenderness, beyond body: the penetration of a new world!
From Pinoy na Pinoy column, Businessworld 14 February 2002
The traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is shy and secretive about her real feelings for a suitor and denies it even though she is really in love with the man.
Tuksuhan lang (just teasing) is the usual term associated with pairing off potential couples in Filipino culture. This is common among teenagers and young adults. It is a way of matching people who may have mutual admiration or affection for each other. It may end up in a romance or avoidance of each other if the situation becomes embarrassing for both individuals.
Tuksuhan (teasing--and a girl's reaction to it) is a means for 'feeling out' a woman's attitude about an admirer or suitor. If the denial is vehement and the girl starts avoiding the boy, then he gets the message that his desire to pursue her is hopeless. The advantage of this is that he does not get embarrassed because he has not started courting the girl in earnest. As in most Asian cultures, Filipinos avoid losing face. Basted (from English busted) is the Tagalog slang for someone who fails to reach 'first base' in courting a girl because she does not have any feelings for him to begin with.
However, if the girl 'encourages' her suitor (either by being nice to him or not getting angry with the 'teasers'), then the man can court in earnest and the tuksuhan eventually ends. The courtship then has entered a 'serious' stage, and the romance begins.
A man who is unable to express his affection to a woman (who may have the same feelings for him) is called a torpe (stupid), dungo (extremely shy), or simply duwag (coward). To call a man torpe means he does not know how to court a girl, is playing innocent, or does not know she also has an affection for him.
If a man is torpe, he needs a tulay (bridge)--anyone who is a mutual friend of him and the girl he loves--who then conveys to the girl his affection for her. It is also a way of 'testing the waters' so to speak. If the boy realizes that the girl does not have feelings for him, he will then not push through with the courtship, thus saving face.
Some guys are afraid of their love being turned down by the girl. In Tagalog, a guy whose love has been turned down by the girl is called sawi (romantically sad), basted (busted), or simply labless (loveless). Click here for Tagalog romantic phrases used in Filipino courtship.
LIGAWAN:
COURTSHIP IN PHILIPPINE CULTURE
Panliligaw or ligawan are the Tagalog terms for courtship, which in some parts of the Tagalog-speaking regions is synonymous with pandidiga or digahan (from Spanish diga, 'to say, express'). Manliligaw is the one who courts a girl; nililigawan is the one who is being courted.
In Philippine culture, courtship is far more subdued and indirect unlike in some Western societies. A man who is interested in courting a woman has to be discreet and friendly at first, in order not to be seen as too presko or mayabang (aggressive or too presumptuous). Friendly dates are often the starting point, often with a group of other friends. Later, couples may go out on their own, but this is still to be done discreetly. If the couple has decided to come out in the open about their romance, they will tell their family and friends as well.
In the Philippines, if a man wants to be taken seriously by a woman, he has to visit the latter's family and introduce himself formally to the parents of the girl. It is rather inappropriate to court a woman and formalize the relationship without informing the parents of the girl. It is always expected that the guy must show his face to the girl's family. And if a guy wants to be acceptable to the girl's family, he has to give pasalubong (gifts) every time he drops by her family's house. It is said that in the Philippines, courting a Filipina means courting her family as well.
In courting a Filipina, the metaphor often used is that of playing baseball. The man is said to reach 'first base' if the girl accepts his proposal to go out on a date for the first time. Thereafter, going out on several dates is like reaching the second and third bases. A 'home-run' is one where the girl formally accepts the man's love, and they become magkasintahan (from sinta, love), a term for boyfriend-girlfriend.
During the old times and in the rural areas of the Philippines, Filipino men would make harana (serenade) the women at night and sing songs of love and affection. This is basically a Spanish influence. The man is usually accompanied by his close friends who provide moral support for the guy, apart from singing with him.
Filipino women are expected to be pakipot (playing hard to get) because it is seen as an appropriate behavior in a courtship dance. By being pakipot, the girl tells the man that he has to work hard to win her love. It is also one way by which the Filipina will be able to measure the sincerity of her admirer. Some courtships could last years before the woman accepts the man's love.
A traditional dalagang Pilipina (Filipina maiden) is someone who is mahinhin (modest, shy, with good upbringing, well-mannered) and does not show her admirer that she is also in love with him immediately. She is also not supposed to go out on a date with several men. The opposite of mahinhin is malandi (flirt), which is taboo in Filipino culture as far as courtship is concerned.
After a long courtship, if the couple later decide to get married, there is the Filipino tradition of pamamanhikan (from panik, to go up the stairs of the house), where the man and his parents visit the woman's family and ask for her parents blessings to marry their daughter. It is also an occasion for the parents of the woman to get to know the parents of the man.
During pamamanhikan, the man and his parents bring some pasalubong (gifts). It is also at this time that the wedding date is formally set, and the couple become engaged to get married.
TAMPUHAN
The Tagalog term tampo has no English equivalent. Magtampo is usually translated as 'to sulk', but it does not quite mean that. 'Sulk' seems to have a negative meaning which is not expressed in magtampo. It is a way of withdrawing, of expressing hurt feelings in a culture where outright expression of anger is discouraged. For example, if a child who feels hurt or neglected may show tampo by withdrawing from the group, refusing to eat, and resisting expressions of affection such as touching or kissing by the members of the family. A woman may also show tampo if she feels jealous or neglected by her beloved. Tampuhan is basically a lovers' quarrel, often manifested in total silent treatment or not speaking to each other.
The person who is nagtatampo expects to be aamuin or cajoled out of the feeling of being unhappy or left out. Parents usually let a child give way to tampo before he/she is cajoled to stop feeling hurt.
Usually, tampo in Filipino culture is manifested in non-verbal ways, such as not talking to other people, keeping to one's self, being unusually quiet, not joining friends in group activities, not joining family outing, or simply locking one's self in his or her room.
Tagalog Love Words (An Essay)
Our Loving ways
by Edilberto Alegre
"Mahal kita, mahal kita, hindi ito bola."
The phrase is the first verse line of a song which was written by a teenager, so said a DJ of the time, in the early 1970s. That's some three decades ago. And yet we still hear it played on the radio, especially around this time of the year.
The line literally means "I love you, I love you, I am not joking." Bola means ball, as in basketball. To "make bola," a patent and peculiar English Tagalog statement, derives from Tagalog: e.g. Binobola mo lang ako, which implies saying untruths but in such a charming manner that what the speaker says appear to be true. It's related to "binibilog ang ulo," literally making a head round -- bola (ball) and bilog (circle) have the same shape round. It remotely recalls "drawing circles" around someone.
To make the title of this section sound closer to English, then: "Seriously, I love you." That deflates the statement though, since the translation is bereft of all that affection in a Pinoy's wooing of a woman. Affection and the lightness of language -- for she, if Pinoy, too, knows he can just be saying it but not truly meaning it, so he enjoins her at the end of the line plaintively: do believe me, hindi ito bola, seriously, peks man, cross my heart and hope to die.
Deep down the Pinoy knows words are just that -- words. Sounds articulated by the vocal cords. Nice to say, good to hear. They need not always carry the weight of truth. And we're adept at manipulating them. It's a cultural attitude to language. We're not supposed to believe everything we hear.
Verbal meaning is kahulugan. The root word is hulog which means "fall" (nahulog sa hagdan -- (s)he fell down the stairs) primarily and "partial" (hulugan -- installment) secondarily. So there are always implications and nuances and the truth is more in them than in the words themselves. So, the bearer must be assured by the speaker -- Hindi ito bola.
Oral speech especially is, then, a game. Politicians are masters of the game. Quezon and Marcos were acknowledged orators who exhibited their genius for bola in public fora here and abroad.
Love in the oral level is a game. There is the pursuer and the pursued. And there are the arrows of words to slay the wooed into belief. Even in the written certainly, the attitude to language is the same. No wonder then that the perennial best-seller continues to be a thin book of samples of loveletters. In Tagalog, that is.
Where is the truth of the loving, then? In the acts of loving, in the action of love -- especially those which are not meretricious; those which do not advertise the feeling of love and loving behind the act and actions. Wala sa salita; nasa gawa. Not in the words but in the actions.
How does one show na hindi ito bola? There is a cultural context to it, of course. As red roses in the west. There's the gift giving, too. But traditionally it's pasalubong -- bringing someone a gift since (s)he was not there when the giver was. A gift to show that one remembered. Valentine's Day is a foreign idea which has not yet seeped into our traditional cultures.
But let me dwell on it a bit. Red is the emblem of the heart (so very bloody, though!), as roses should be red if one wishes to get across love as the message of the giving. This one day even old people won't feel corny wearing red shirts or red skirt. I know, in fact, a few who have Valentine's Day attire which they take out only once a year.
In the 1970s there was this red-and-white taxi named Alfredo's. On that one day, riders who wore red or red-and-white were entitled to a 50% discount. See, how far we can go! Luneta (national park) in those times bloomed in red. That one crazy day!
They are not that crazy in Japan. Primarily it's because the culture which Valentine's Day still tries to penetrate does not possess the articulate meretriciousness of ours. Theirs is an oppressed society -- oppressed by feudalism which continues to fuel it. Their extreme behavior on this day consists of a mild reversal of roles, namely, the girls can gift the boys with chocolates to express their feelings. And that's confined to the young. Just the young.
Let me contrast that with a story here in Tacloban, Leyte (Eastern Visayas). A couple who had been married for almost three decades had seven children between them. On Valentine's Day morning, the husband forgot to greet his wife. She let it pass. In the evening he came home a bit tipsy. He had forgotten completely that it was Valentine's Day. When he was changing his clothes she threw her slippers at him. Love and loving we expect even after decades of togetherness.
HINDI ITO BOLA
These are stories from my hometown, Victoria in the province of Tarlac (Central Luzon). True-to-life love stories. There are many such stories there.
The first has to do with the parents of my closest friend, Ely. His father, Apo Sinti, was taciturn. Ely feared him. He knew he could whip a guava branch to pulp on an offending son's butt. During his entire life Ely remembers only one event -- the father made a top for him using only a bolo (sword). He does not remember him talking to him at all.
In contrast, the mother -- Apo La Paz -- was always talking. They had a huge house on our Calle Real (now Rizal St.) and they had always a slew of maids. She inherited quite a large mass of riceland so she was used to ordering people about.
Apo Sinti found eating at the family table a bother. Perhaps he could not stand Apo La Paz's incessant yakking which became worse during meals. So, Apo Sinti had his special table in the kitchen. A rather small one. He always ate ahead of everybody. Apo La Paz herself, not a maid, would set the table. Then she'd have him called.
He'd come, sit down, and eat silently. She'd be bustling in the kitchen -- checking the food a-cooking on the stoves, the setting of their huge family table, the gradual filling up of the dining room with people, food, and the drinks and sweets which were on another table ready for serving.
During all this she would check on Apo Sinti -- saw to his glass of iced water which had to be replenished always, and the banana which was his preferred fruit. They did not speak with each other. He ate all that was served him. She knew exactly how much rice he ate and what viands he preferred and how much of these he consumed.
Then as silently as he came in, he'd leave. Apo La Paz would then call one of the maids to clean the table and place it in one corner of the kitchen.
One Sunday morning, Apo Sinti staggered to a traysikad, a bicycle with a side car, even before the mass ended in our one Catholic Church proximate to the town plaza. He didn't make it back to their house. He had a heart attack.
Apo La Paz cried, but she didn't wail. She saw to all the funeral arrangements. She was the overseer of the wake. After the funeral she retired to her room. She had to be called for the family meals. She receded into silence.
After a month, she died.
The second story, has to do with the old couple across our house. I don't remember their names. They were a very quiet, self-contained husband-and-wife. They married late, it seems. Their only child was a loquacious tall male who since childhood manifested strong signs of effeminateness.
The son was away for high school. And then a terribly extended medical schooling. They didn't seem to mind. The old man hardly went out of the house. The old woman we hardly saw. All that I remember of them is her standing around as he watered the many plants their son loved. Their yard was a veritable garden.
Every few days a young boy would sweep the yard. The old couple would be seated in their veranda. I have no recollection of their voices. But they did talk with each other. I could see them from our own second-floor veranda.
One day the old man fell ill. The young boy called my father, who was a medical doctor. My father said it was serious. After three days he died. The effeminate son came back and made quite a scene in his wailing and flailing about. He returned to his medical school after the funeral.
We only got news of the old woman from the young boy who stayed with her. He was the son of one of their tenants. He said that she refused to go out of her room. He served her her meals there. She receded into silence.
After two weeks, she died.
These two old couples remind me of a Guy de Maupassant short story. A hunter shot a bird. The other bird, its mate obviously, circled around it. It refused to leave. It kept going around the spot where the first bird fell. Gradually it went down, still moving in circles. It was as if it wanted to be shot, too. The hunter aimed at it and killed it.
They remind me, too, of an old Indian myth. In the beginning, Man and Woman were one. Somehow they got separated. The Man went to the right. The Woman went to the left. They had been looking for each other since then.
Love or, I suppose, marriage in the myth is the discovery of our other half. The Man and the Woman become one again. We go through life looking for our other half, that which would complete us. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes not. If we don't then we go through another cycle of life, another cycle of searching. Life is a quest for completion by way of finding the Man or Woman who is our lost other half.
In our culture we call this completion of self love.
BASICALLY LOVE IS
What does our language tell us about love? There's a range starting with wooing, suyuan, an old fine Tagalog word that indicates a man's declaration of his love by overt action, verbal or otherwise. Usually it's non-verbal -- singing, glancing or stealing glances, services -- and indirect. Ligaw, a more modern term, has directness.
Ibig connotes desire, wanting, even an impulse to possess the other. Its highest statement, though, is love of country -- pag-ibig sa tinubuang lupa which carries a hint of self-immolation.
Mahal implies valuation, therefore, the other is prized, valued highly. It's root meaning has to do with the monetary cost of goods as in Mahal ang mga bilihin ngayon (Goods are costly now).
While manuyo (from suyo) and manligaw are active, they are traditionally a man's action toward a woman. A one-sided wooing, a pursuit of the woman's heart.
Ibig and mahal are feelings. They express the content of the heart that pursues. The words are focused on what the wooer feels for the wooed. There are three words which have become poetic because, I think, they are old expressions. Irog is fondness or affection for another. When there's a hint of yearning it becomes giliw. When there is reciprocity it becomes sinta. And thus sweethearts or lovers or magkasintahan. And when one introduces the other the term of reference is kasintahan. If it's friendship it's ka-ibig-an; a friendship which has a latent possibility for desire. Kasintahan is closer to affection.
Purely physical desire is of another category altogether: pagnanais. The root word nais implies focused desire; focused on an object or objection, that is. While that which is desirable is kanais-nais, its opposite, di-kanais-nais, is not only not nice but unpleasant.
In contrast to pagnanais the words which refer to love or loving (suyo, ligaw, ibig, mahal, irog, giliw, sinta) contain a lightness -- fondness, affection, yearning. There's no obsessiveness, no imprisoning. There's the lightness of flowing air, the grace of morning's tropical sunlight.
No possessiveness. Perhaps this has to do with man's regard for woman, for it is the man who woos. More probably though, it has to do with the completion of the self with, in, and through one other person (the kita relationship in Tagalog) as only one aspect of the I -- personhood: there's also ako (just the self and no other), tayo (relationship with two or more persons, including the person directly addressed) and kami (also with two or more persons, but excluding the person directly addressed).
The completion of the self in kita cannot possibly deny tayo and kami. While one desires, one wants, too, to yield. There can be and there is passion, physical, but it dissolves in tenderness, in affection, in fondness. Softness wins out in Pinoy loving: it's only in yielding the self that one becomes complete.
Loving is the dialectic dialogue between desire and affection. And love brings us to a new realm -- beyond desire, beyond tenderness, beyond body: the penetration of a new world!
From Pinoy na Pinoy column, Businessworld 14 February 2002
Your Kindness Quotient
Your Kindness Quotient
by Max Lucado
How kind are you? What is your kindness quotient? When was the last time you did something kind for someone in your family--e.g., got a blanket, cleaned off the table, prepared the coffee--without being asked?
Think about your school or workplace. Which person is the most overlooked or avoided? A shy student? A grumpy employee? Maybe he doesn't speak the language. Maybe she doesn't fit in. Are you kind to this person?
Kind hearts are quietly kind. They let the car cut into traffic and the young mom with three kids move up in the checkout line. They pick up the neighbor's trash can that rolled into the street. And they are especially kind at church. They understand that perhaps the neediest person they'll meet all week is the one standing in the foyer or sitting on the row behind them in worship. Paul writes: "When we have the opportunity to help anyone, we should do it. But we should give special attention to those who are in the family of believers" (Gal. 6:10).
And, here is a challenge--what about your enemies? With the boss who fired you or the wife who left you. Suppose you surprised them with kindness? Not easy? No, it's not. But mercy is the deepest gesture of kindness. Paul equates the two. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you" (Eph. 4:32 NKJV). Jesus said:
Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you.... If you love only the people who love you, what praise should you get? ... [L]ove your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without hoping to get anything back. Then you will have a great reward, and you will be children of the Most High God, because he is kind even to people who are ungrateful and full of sin. Show mercy, just as your Father shows mercy. (Luke 6:27-28, 32, 35-36)
Kindness at home. Kindness in public. Kindness at church and kindness with your enemies. Pretty well covers the gamut, don't you think? Almost. Someone else needs your kindness. Who could that be? You.
Since he is so kind to us, can't we be a little kinder to ourselves? Oh, but you don't know me, Max. You don't know my faults and my thoughts. You don't know the gripes I grumble and the complaints I mumble. No, I don't, but he does. He knows everything about you, yet he doesn't hold back his kindness toward you. Has he, knowing all your secrets, retracted one promise or reclaimed one gift?
No, he is kind to you. Why don't you be kind to yourself? He forgives your faults. Why don't you do the same? He thinks tomorrow is worth living. Why don't you agree? He believes in you enough to call you his ambassador, his follower, even his child. Why not take his cue and believe in yourself?
Be kind to yourself. God thinks you're worth his kindness. And he's a good judge of character.
From A Love Worth Giving
by Max Lucado
How kind are you? What is your kindness quotient? When was the last time you did something kind for someone in your family--e.g., got a blanket, cleaned off the table, prepared the coffee--without being asked?
Think about your school or workplace. Which person is the most overlooked or avoided? A shy student? A grumpy employee? Maybe he doesn't speak the language. Maybe she doesn't fit in. Are you kind to this person?
Kind hearts are quietly kind. They let the car cut into traffic and the young mom with three kids move up in the checkout line. They pick up the neighbor's trash can that rolled into the street. And they are especially kind at church. They understand that perhaps the neediest person they'll meet all week is the one standing in the foyer or sitting on the row behind them in worship. Paul writes: "When we have the opportunity to help anyone, we should do it. But we should give special attention to those who are in the family of believers" (Gal. 6:10).
And, here is a challenge--what about your enemies? With the boss who fired you or the wife who left you. Suppose you surprised them with kindness? Not easy? No, it's not. But mercy is the deepest gesture of kindness. Paul equates the two. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you" (Eph. 4:32 NKJV). Jesus said:
Love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you.... If you love only the people who love you, what praise should you get? ... [L]ove your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without hoping to get anything back. Then you will have a great reward, and you will be children of the Most High God, because he is kind even to people who are ungrateful and full of sin. Show mercy, just as your Father shows mercy. (Luke 6:27-28, 32, 35-36)
Kindness at home. Kindness in public. Kindness at church and kindness with your enemies. Pretty well covers the gamut, don't you think? Almost. Someone else needs your kindness. Who could that be? You.
Since he is so kind to us, can't we be a little kinder to ourselves? Oh, but you don't know me, Max. You don't know my faults and my thoughts. You don't know the gripes I grumble and the complaints I mumble. No, I don't, but he does. He knows everything about you, yet he doesn't hold back his kindness toward you. Has he, knowing all your secrets, retracted one promise or reclaimed one gift?
No, he is kind to you. Why don't you be kind to yourself? He forgives your faults. Why don't you do the same? He thinks tomorrow is worth living. Why don't you agree? He believes in you enough to call you his ambassador, his follower, even his child. Why not take his cue and believe in yourself?
Be kind to yourself. God thinks you're worth his kindness. And he's a good judge of character.
From A Love Worth Giving
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Love in the different languages
Arabic: حُب
Chinese: 喜爱
Czech: láska
Danish: kærlighed
Dutch: liefde
Estonian: armastus
Finnish: rakkaus
French: amour
German: die Liebe
Greek: αγάπη
Hungarian: szeretet
Italian: amore
Japanese: 愛
Korean: 애정
Latvian: mīlestība
Lithuanian: meilė
Norwegian: kjærlighet
Polish: zamiłowanie
Portuguese: amor
Romanian: dragoste
Russian: любовь
Slovak: láska
Slovenian: ljubezen
Spanish: amor
Swedish: kärlek
Monday, October 26, 2009
Fast Love
With the cell phones and the internet, communication can be made in a millisecond (1/1,000,000th of a second). There's really no reason now to never get in touch. It's truly is amazing if you look at it but it has its own disadvantages.
There is a new generation falling in love via the phone text messages and via computer internet networking.
It is now common to hear about couples meeting and falling in love in the net.
Unrequited love will be a thing of the past, as one can now hide his identity and not be shy to express through the phone and the net, his feelings. He can persist and work hard at winning his lve through the diffferent modes.
I wonder, does "fast send" also mean "fast love"
What's your take on this? Do people nowadays fall in love faster than before with the fast communication technology?
What comes into my mind is what happens to these relationships? Are they successful?
Hope we hear back stories about this :-)
There is a new generation falling in love via the phone text messages and via computer internet networking.
It is now common to hear about couples meeting and falling in love in the net.
Unrequited love will be a thing of the past, as one can now hide his identity and not be shy to express through the phone and the net, his feelings. He can persist and work hard at winning his lve through the diffferent modes.
I wonder, does "fast send" also mean "fast love"
What's your take on this? Do people nowadays fall in love faster than before with the fast communication technology?
What comes into my mind is what happens to these relationships? Are they successful?
Hope we hear back stories about this :-)
Emotional Love Affair
I think I'm in love with my computer. Mainly because it opens me up to the bigger world wide web.
But that's not the love affair we will talk about here. But it is related to this.
People who surf the net naturally meet very interesting people and sometimes they get attracted to that person for one reason or the other. The interest grows to exchanging emails, weekly, then daily, then hourly. But since for one reason or another, there is no chance to meet...perhaps due to geographic locations, due to one's relationship status/attachment ...the exchanges are enough to stimulate deeper intellectual and emotional stirrings inside each one of the correspondents. In layman's terms, one starts "developing" special feelings and thoughts for another but without any physical contact.
They now think they are in love with each other or have this very complicated feeling of feeling more than friendship but less than lovers.
This is what is called the emotional love affair.
Is this cheating?
My take on this is if one is in a relationship, you are committed to loving only that person you chose to be with. If for some reason, one starts loving / being attracted / connecting to another while in a present attached relationship even in thought (without the physical / face to face contact or any other contact for that matter...you know what I mean ;-)) , that's not being faithful....that's cheating.
It's not bad having friends of the opposite gender while married or attached, but its when you start feeling more than friendship (we all know that feeling...or if you don't....if you start feeling those same feelings you felt with your present partner with this new person), then nip it in the bud for it not to proceed to being complicated and out of control.
If you're going to tell me that you feel entirely different from this person to your present mainly because they both stir different feelings in you, then ask yourself, " Would I like my present partner feeling this way for another other than me"? If you don't, but continue on with the exchanges, then you're pretty sure you're into the affair.
But that's not the love affair we will talk about here. But it is related to this.
People who surf the net naturally meet very interesting people and sometimes they get attracted to that person for one reason or the other. The interest grows to exchanging emails, weekly, then daily, then hourly. But since for one reason or another, there is no chance to meet...perhaps due to geographic locations, due to one's relationship status/attachment ...the exchanges are enough to stimulate deeper intellectual and emotional stirrings inside each one of the correspondents. In layman's terms, one starts "developing" special feelings and thoughts for another but without any physical contact.
They now think they are in love with each other or have this very complicated feeling of feeling more than friendship but less than lovers.
This is what is called the emotional love affair.
Is this cheating?
My take on this is if one is in a relationship, you are committed to loving only that person you chose to be with. If for some reason, one starts loving / being attracted / connecting to another while in a present attached relationship even in thought (without the physical / face to face contact or any other contact for that matter...you know what I mean ;-)) , that's not being faithful....that's cheating.
It's not bad having friends of the opposite gender while married or attached, but its when you start feeling more than friendship (we all know that feeling...or if you don't....if you start feeling those same feelings you felt with your present partner with this new person), then nip it in the bud for it not to proceed to being complicated and out of control.
If you're going to tell me that you feel entirely different from this person to your present mainly because they both stir different feelings in you, then ask yourself, " Would I like my present partner feeling this way for another other than me"? If you don't, but continue on with the exchanges, then you're pretty sure you're into the affair.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Leo Buscaglia
If there is anyone I consider an authority on LOVE, it would be this man.
So much for a teacher who taught of making LOVE as a part of a curriculum, a subject in school you sit in for an hour. He so much believed that LOVE 101 had to be experienced, not really "taught" that he taught it for FREE.
Enjoy his lectures below :-)
So much for a teacher who taught of making LOVE as a part of a curriculum, a subject in school you sit in for an hour. He so much believed that LOVE 101 had to be experienced, not really "taught" that he taught it for FREE.
Enjoy his lectures below :-)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Moving Up and Moving On
2 Events in one day.
In the morning, was the funeral of my 88-year old cool lolo Ben. I say cool because at 86, he learned the internet and was an email buddy of mine.
In the evening, was the going away party for my dear friend Annette who was migrating to New Zealand with her family.
The end of life for Lolo Ben, while the start of a new life for Annette. The other full of sadness, the other, full of hope and excitement.
Lolo Ben was leaving behind his family, while Annette was finally making his family whole again.
Lolo Ben was moving up, Annette moving on.
Such is life. It goes on and on wherever you are.
I realize now that it doesn't matter where you go, what's important are the memories you leave behind.
Lolo Ben, Anette, I love you! :-)
In the morning, was the funeral of my 88-year old cool lolo Ben. I say cool because at 86, he learned the internet and was an email buddy of mine.
In the evening, was the going away party for my dear friend Annette who was migrating to New Zealand with her family.
The end of life for Lolo Ben, while the start of a new life for Annette. The other full of sadness, the other, full of hope and excitement.
Lolo Ben was leaving behind his family, while Annette was finally making his family whole again.
Lolo Ben was moving up, Annette moving on.
Such is life. It goes on and on wherever you are.
I realize now that it doesn't matter where you go, what's important are the memories you leave behind.
Lolo Ben, Anette, I love you! :-)
Monday, September 14, 2009
How do you survive long distance love ?
Think, Love, and communicate
Each of us will meet someone more handsome or beautiful than the one we're with. We will be treated extra special by somebody or we may feel more "kilig" by this person ....always look back to why you chose this person over other people?
If we focus hard enough we get 2 choices. One, the person with us right now is really the one we love, in which case, any temptations will die a natural death. Or this NEW person is really a lot better for us, in which case, hello new relationship.
How do we focus?
Think with our head. Look back into our memories, our letters, our past experiences together and weigh things. We may even find a stalemate, there are some qualities in each we cannot live without. This makes it harder for us to choose. How do we choose between 2 good things ? We look into ourselves which is more important to us, which will make us a better person, which will make us love more, which will not hurt.
"Ang thoughtful niya, yung isa naman masipag. Gusto ng pamilya ko siya, ako gusto ko yung isa. Parehong pareho sila kaya nagustuhan ko." (He's so thoughtful while the other is so hardworking. My family loves him, but I love the other. They are so alike that's why I like both of them).
Loving they say is not a feeling. I believe it is a way of thinking. There is always a reason why we love. We love because, we just do is still a reason. The important thing is we are committed to that thinking.
"Nagdesisyon akong mahalin siya kahit may karamdaman siya. Mahal ko siya kahit ayaw ng pamilya ko sa kanya. Maligaya akong mahalin siya." (I decided to love her even if she is sick. I love him even if my family doesn't like him for me. I am happy loving her).
Attraction is a feeling. It wakes up certain hormones, juices in us that somehow makes our mind into a mold of jello - all mixed up. This is what puts most of us in trouble. We get attracted easily and fast.
"Ang ganda/guwapo niya. Ang bait bait niya sa akin.(he's so handsome. He' s so nice to me). He makes me feel extra special. He is sooooo thoughtful and sensitive."
So when that other person comes, better be sure you can tell the difference if you are attracted or you love.
Sometimes thinking by ourselves is very hard. This is where we choose to talk to the person, to people who can give us good advice (our friends, parents, family). But I think the best person to talk to is THE ONE we are with. But in talking to him/her, please avoid putting the blame on him and what he lacks to justify what we feel. Be honest and truthful to ourself most of all. Believe in what we feel and what we think.
Huwag (Don't say): "Nararamdaman kong may iba ka nang minamahal." (I feel you love another)
Dapat (Should say): "Nararamdaman kong napapaisip akong tumingin sa ibang tao at maghanap. Pag-usapan natin bakit kaya ganun?" (I find myself getting attracted to other people. Let's talk about it)
Huwag (Don't say): "Puro na lang pamilya mo ang una paano na tayong 2?" (How come it's always your family first before us?)
Dapat (Should say): " Nakikita ko sa ating dalawa na iba na tayong makitungo sa isa't isa." (I notice we are indifferent to each other, what's happening to us?)
Huwag (Don't say): "Sabihin mo lang sa akin kung ayaw mo na." (Just tell me you want out of this relationship)
Dapat (Should say): "Parang ayaw ko na, gusto kong intindihin paano nagkaganito." (I'd like to understand why I feel I want out of this relationship)
Some falter and mistake attraction for love. We cry, realize, accept our weakness and then stand up to love again. Yes we err, we are human after all.
Surviving long distance love is possible. It is difficult. We may fall hard. But if the heavens have put you together, again or otherwise, we all survive somehow, someway.
I did. So will you.
Each of us will meet someone more handsome or beautiful than the one we're with. We will be treated extra special by somebody or we may feel more "kilig" by this person ....always look back to why you chose this person over other people?
If we focus hard enough we get 2 choices. One, the person with us right now is really the one we love, in which case, any temptations will die a natural death. Or this NEW person is really a lot better for us, in which case, hello new relationship.
How do we focus?
Think with our head. Look back into our memories, our letters, our past experiences together and weigh things. We may even find a stalemate, there are some qualities in each we cannot live without. This makes it harder for us to choose. How do we choose between 2 good things ? We look into ourselves which is more important to us, which will make us a better person, which will make us love more, which will not hurt.
"Ang thoughtful niya, yung isa naman masipag. Gusto ng pamilya ko siya, ako gusto ko yung isa. Parehong pareho sila kaya nagustuhan ko." (He's so thoughtful while the other is so hardworking. My family loves him, but I love the other. They are so alike that's why I like both of them).
Loving they say is not a feeling. I believe it is a way of thinking. There is always a reason why we love. We love because, we just do is still a reason. The important thing is we are committed to that thinking.
"Nagdesisyon akong mahalin siya kahit may karamdaman siya. Mahal ko siya kahit ayaw ng pamilya ko sa kanya. Maligaya akong mahalin siya." (I decided to love her even if she is sick. I love him even if my family doesn't like him for me. I am happy loving her).
Attraction is a feeling. It wakes up certain hormones, juices in us that somehow makes our mind into a mold of jello - all mixed up. This is what puts most of us in trouble. We get attracted easily and fast.
"Ang ganda/guwapo niya. Ang bait bait niya sa akin.(he's so handsome. He' s so nice to me). He makes me feel extra special. He is sooooo thoughtful and sensitive."
So when that other person comes, better be sure you can tell the difference if you are attracted or you love.
Sometimes thinking by ourselves is very hard. This is where we choose to talk to the person, to people who can give us good advice (our friends, parents, family). But I think the best person to talk to is THE ONE we are with. But in talking to him/her, please avoid putting the blame on him and what he lacks to justify what we feel. Be honest and truthful to ourself most of all. Believe in what we feel and what we think.
Huwag (Don't say): "Nararamdaman kong may iba ka nang minamahal." (I feel you love another)
Dapat (Should say): "Nararamdaman kong napapaisip akong tumingin sa ibang tao at maghanap. Pag-usapan natin bakit kaya ganun?" (I find myself getting attracted to other people. Let's talk about it)
Huwag (Don't say): "Puro na lang pamilya mo ang una paano na tayong 2?" (How come it's always your family first before us?)
Dapat (Should say): " Nakikita ko sa ating dalawa na iba na tayong makitungo sa isa't isa." (I notice we are indifferent to each other, what's happening to us?)
Huwag (Don't say): "Sabihin mo lang sa akin kung ayaw mo na." (Just tell me you want out of this relationship)
Dapat (Should say): "Parang ayaw ko na, gusto kong intindihin paano nagkaganito." (I'd like to understand why I feel I want out of this relationship)
Some falter and mistake attraction for love. We cry, realize, accept our weakness and then stand up to love again. Yes we err, we are human after all.
Surviving long distance love is possible. It is difficult. We may fall hard. But if the heavens have put you together, again or otherwise, we all survive somehow, someway.
I did. So will you.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Lovetcetera is born!
I used to keep all my blogs under my "favoritequeendom" blog (http://favoritequeendom.blogspot.com/) until I realized that my life is a lot like gym lockers in a row. Snippets of my life have to be put in a special box for each memory to be cherished at a special moment.
One topic that seems to always come up is that of loving and relationships. As a friend, I have always been run to for comments, opinions and advice that my name "TM" (Tita Melly) is starting to feel appropriate. Some people perhaps have that aura of "hey I feel like pouring myself into this person", I may have that.
I don't really feel any special powers for this but perhaps I can say that I listen well. I firmly believe that every person really does know what to do in every situation but it's just the choices that drive them crazy. Plus, with the very fast times, decisions have to be made in a split of a sec. Uhhhhh....pressure....even for loving???!!!!
So here is my blog open to anyone who wants to share as I do...and even ask what I think...about anything under love and people loving (or not loving :-( ).
I better start off with sharing about myself....next!
One topic that seems to always come up is that of loving and relationships. As a friend, I have always been run to for comments, opinions and advice that my name "TM" (Tita Melly) is starting to feel appropriate. Some people perhaps have that aura of "hey I feel like pouring myself into this person", I may have that.
I don't really feel any special powers for this but perhaps I can say that I listen well. I firmly believe that every person really does know what to do in every situation but it's just the choices that drive them crazy. Plus, with the very fast times, decisions have to be made in a split of a sec. Uhhhhh....pressure....even for loving???!!!!
So here is my blog open to anyone who wants to share as I do...and even ask what I think...about anything under love and people loving (or not loving :-( ).
I better start off with sharing about myself....next!
loving the idea of loving
carlo told me one day, i think with hangin, you only loved the idea of loving but did not really love the person.
this is the 2nd time i have been accused of such and by 2 people thousands of miles apart.
it may be true but it shakes me to feel that if there is truth in what they say about me, then would that mean i have never really been truly in love?
37 and never been in love.
i alwayd asked hangin before, how did you know it was me? he said it just is. so you just know without understanding why?
they also say loving someone is like that, you just do. no need to question why also.
naawa naman ako sa sarili ko.
so loving the idea of loving and hoping you would get to love the person along the way is not the way actually?
we must love the person for who he is, accept him for what he is.
well i guess i tried to love the idea and the person but they were just 2 different things ....irreconcilable.
nakakalungkot.
this is the 2nd time i have been accused of such and by 2 people thousands of miles apart.
it may be true but it shakes me to feel that if there is truth in what they say about me, then would that mean i have never really been truly in love?
37 and never been in love.
i alwayd asked hangin before, how did you know it was me? he said it just is. so you just know without understanding why?
they also say loving someone is like that, you just do. no need to question why also.
naawa naman ako sa sarili ko.
so loving the idea of loving and hoping you would get to love the person along the way is not the way actually?
we must love the person for who he is, accept him for what he is.
well i guess i tried to love the idea and the person but they were just 2 different things ....irreconcilable.
nakakalungkot.
instant soulmate trap checklist
1. Listen to your gut reactions. If it feels too good to be true, slow down.
2. Remember that being intimate causes emotions to rise to the surface- the deeper you walk into a relationship, the greater your potential for getting hurt.
3. If you have a history of "instant relationships" you're likely to be a magnet for this type of relationship in the future. recognize when you're headed in this direction.
4. It's important to get in touch with your own relationship goals, and your true feelings about meeting your soul mate. For many people as they begin to feel less confident about finding love, the more likely they are to be attracted to an "instant partner."
5. Remember that fear is a powerful motivator. If your fears about not finding love are in control or even directing your behavior, then you may be acting in ways that will deter you from finding love
tere, be rest assured that i am discerning well here's my proof.
2. Remember that being intimate causes emotions to rise to the surface- the deeper you walk into a relationship, the greater your potential for getting hurt.
3. If you have a history of "instant relationships" you're likely to be a magnet for this type of relationship in the future. recognize when you're headed in this direction.
4. It's important to get in touch with your own relationship goals, and your true feelings about meeting your soul mate. For many people as they begin to feel less confident about finding love, the more likely they are to be attracted to an "instant partner."
5. Remember that fear is a powerful motivator. If your fears about not finding love are in control or even directing your behavior, then you may be acting in ways that will deter you from finding love
tere, be rest assured that i am discerning well here's my proof.
conspicuous Industriousness
"Conspicuous industriousness" is fancy talk for chasing your own tail. This is the habit of rushing around frantically and feeling quite noble even when you go nowhere fast. Equipped with cell phones, beepers, and handheld computers, the "conspicuously industrious" blur the line between home and office by working anytime, anywhere. Always on call, they make a perverse case for the argument that work isn't a part of life, but rather that life is a part of work. They embody the new twenty-first century ideal--"I work, therefore I am."And whether they know it or not, they are competitors in the rat race. Constantly busy, moving at breakneck speed, they wake, work, earn, spend, shovel down food, and collapse--only to begin the same vicious cycle over again the next day.
Never knowing which end is up, they live according to the "Rules of the Rat Race," an unwritten code of conduct that says you should:
1. Bite off more than you can chew.
2. Act as if enough is never enough.
3. Chase your tail and run to stand still.
4. View life as a part of work, instead of work as a part of life.
5. Acknowledge that some rats are more equal than others.
why?
where has the world gone to?
a good checklist to turn to whenever i feel 24 hours of the day is never enough.
the only weapon to this is rest and sleep... something which i will do now....and always from hereon.
love myself from hereon.
Never knowing which end is up, they live according to the "Rules of the Rat Race," an unwritten code of conduct that says you should:
1. Bite off more than you can chew.
2. Act as if enough is never enough.
3. Chase your tail and run to stand still.
4. View life as a part of work, instead of work as a part of life.
5. Acknowledge that some rats are more equal than others.
why?
where has the world gone to?
a good checklist to turn to whenever i feel 24 hours of the day is never enough.
the only weapon to this is rest and sleep... something which i will do now....and always from hereon.
love myself from hereon.
Love & Let Love (July 21, 1006)
well, i have decided to love again.
i was asked, do you really love a person or just the idea of loving someone?
i answered, both. should loving have only one of the reasons above?
is the mere idea of loving someone wrong? if it is, why?
1. because you put yourself at the risk of getting hurt?
mother teresa says, " i have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
i feel that if i do get hurt, i will have no regrets because i loved and it is just unfortunate that the love for me, did not choose to stay in another person.
sad but it should not stop me from deciding to love again.
2. because you are just wasting time on the person.
how can loving a person be wasteful?
you spend time with a person showing him how you care. make him feel special. make him feel good about himself. Inspire him to be more than he can be. make him smile and put him in a happy place. That's not bad at all.
i have spent countless overtime and much money to be able to buy a mobile phone to put me in a happy place. but i tell you, it does not give me as much satisfaction as sharing love to someone.
this doesn't stop me from deciding to love again.
3. what if the right person comes and you are attached then what now?
we are where we are meant to be. That is where our faith and trust in the Lord will come in.
in the big picture of life, everything happens for the perfect reason and just the right time all beyond our understanding because we do not hold our life in our palm... our life is in God's hands. God only asks of us to have faith, trust and be patient with life's mysteries.
if i think he is the right person for me, then i will pray for guidance on what to do, given i am loving another still. lift all to God....that's my answer to "what now?"
this doesn't stop me from deciding to love again.
4. it is best to love the person than the idea.
in both loving the person and the idea, i both share of myself in the truest sense.
it only goes bad when the person i give it to does not give it back. even the rejection is not wrong, yes it does make me feel terribly bad but.... its the truth so i must accept....and move on.
i guess the fear of people that i love again stems from their genuine concern for my own well being. But isn't it i survived a love story that's gone bad? I have gone up and moved on...to love again.
Cant you be happy for me because apart from all, i still hope that true love comes my way.
hope is the last thing we should never lose. then it is, i hope to love truly again.
i was asked, do you really love a person or just the idea of loving someone?
i answered, both. should loving have only one of the reasons above?
is the mere idea of loving someone wrong? if it is, why?
1. because you put yourself at the risk of getting hurt?
mother teresa says, " i have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
i feel that if i do get hurt, i will have no regrets because i loved and it is just unfortunate that the love for me, did not choose to stay in another person.
sad but it should not stop me from deciding to love again.
2. because you are just wasting time on the person.
how can loving a person be wasteful?
you spend time with a person showing him how you care. make him feel special. make him feel good about himself. Inspire him to be more than he can be. make him smile and put him in a happy place. That's not bad at all.
i have spent countless overtime and much money to be able to buy a mobile phone to put me in a happy place. but i tell you, it does not give me as much satisfaction as sharing love to someone.
this doesn't stop me from deciding to love again.
3. what if the right person comes and you are attached then what now?
we are where we are meant to be. That is where our faith and trust in the Lord will come in.
in the big picture of life, everything happens for the perfect reason and just the right time all beyond our understanding because we do not hold our life in our palm... our life is in God's hands. God only asks of us to have faith, trust and be patient with life's mysteries.
if i think he is the right person for me, then i will pray for guidance on what to do, given i am loving another still. lift all to God....that's my answer to "what now?"
this doesn't stop me from deciding to love again.
4. it is best to love the person than the idea.
in both loving the person and the idea, i both share of myself in the truest sense.
it only goes bad when the person i give it to does not give it back. even the rejection is not wrong, yes it does make me feel terribly bad but.... its the truth so i must accept....and move on.
i guess the fear of people that i love again stems from their genuine concern for my own well being. But isn't it i survived a love story that's gone bad? I have gone up and moved on...to love again.
Cant you be happy for me because apart from all, i still hope that true love comes my way.
hope is the last thing we should never lose. then it is, i hope to love truly again.
Hangin
Aking hangin
nararamdaman kapag nagpaparamdam
kasiglahan ng katawan ang dulot kapag nasa kapaligiran. Iwas pawis, luha ng katawan.
kasiyahan ng loob dulot mo hangin. Napapalipad ng tuluyan ang saranggola ng buhay.
ang isip malinaw kapag biyaya'y katamtamang lamig.
mahalaga ang hangin, minamahal ng tunay.
ngunit bakit nagbago ang ihip, unti unting nawala?
para ba paramdamin ang halaga ng hangin?
o para bang tuluyang pumanaw na?
hirap isiping hindi mahalin ang hangin
walang rason.
ngunit pag nahihirapan akong mahalin ito, kailangan ding intindihin
di matiwasay ang katawan, isip at damdamin
sapagkat kulang ang pagpaparamdam
wala na bang ilalakas pa ang hanging di gaanong maramdaman?
di ba nais ng hanging intindihin aking pangangailangang isip at damdamin?
sanay mainitindihan mo hangin, ang tindi ng pangangailangn sa yo.
Pinutol at nagalit pagkat may ibang simoy ang dumating
hinanap ng hinanap, walang humpay, nasaan ang hanging dati'y akin?
kelan kaya maiisip na kaw pa rin ang hanap ng isip at damdamin?
ah...di nagpaalam at naglaho, marahil may iba nang pinararamdaman.
ang isip at damdamin, di mapalagay, magpaparamdam bang uli at babalik o pansamantalang darating upang magpaalam?
heto naghihintay sa initan ng disyerto....hirap ang isip, puso't damdamin.
sabi ko dati'y walang rason para di mahalin ang hangin....
ako'y napaisip, bakit nga ba ako nababalisa
tunay ngang mahirap ....oo nga pala....kapag hangi’y kinitil
lahat ng kapaligiran titigil sa paggalaw
saranggola'y di maipapalipad,
akong nasa initan di matitiis ang matinding pawis
wala ng saranggola, nalugmok pa sa loob ng bahay
di alam ang gagawin...malungkot nagtatanong....bakit walang hangin?
sabi ng ina, intindihin anak di lahat ng araw may simoy ng hangin, darating din yan, wag magmadali, humunos dili
naghintay, inintindi, nangarap na may bukas pa....pag-asang saranggola'y lilipad muli
sasayang muli
ngunit napaisip ako, aantayin pa ba ang hangin o di kaya'y baguhin ang saranggolang di na aasa sa hangin?
nais lamang sanang sumaya muli...makalabas na tumatakbong salubungin ang hangin, lapat ang saranggola sa dibdib
tanggap ba kung pagkait na tuluyan ang hanap na hangin?
malungkot na malungkot na tatanggapin dahil sa nakasanayang simoy akala'y wagas.... yun pala'y.....may hangganan rin
tanong sa sarili'y pimahalagahan ba ng wasto ang biyayang hangin nang ito'y sumisimoy pa?
di bagat sabay naming pinalipad ang saranggola? mayroon bang ibang pagpapahalagang hihigit pa?
tanong ni ina, bat nagsungit ang hangin, anak?
marahil ina, sabi ko kasi'y, "lakasan mo pa! Hina mo naman ! "
nang di na malaksan, pinilit ko pa, sabi ko'y bat ako kinakaya pa?
Sagot ng hangi’y, labada ni ina aking tinutuyo, sabay tulak sa ating saranggolang papalayo.
Ako’y nag-isip, hangi’y tama sa pagpapahalaga,
Huwag pilitin ibahin ang pakay ng hanging
Pagsilbihan pati ina’t saranggola’y paliparin.
Wika ko’y sige hangin, pangangailangan ni ina muna’y tuparin
Akin munang itatago ang saranggolang , balang araw, lilipad rin.
Ako kaya, mahalaga kaya sa hangin?
O di kaya’y panandaliang pangangailangan lamang upang layuning itupad
Saranggola’y matayog na lumipad ?
Nakita ko ang pagpapahalaga sa ina, ba’t sa aki’y di ganoon ang wika.
Sabi mo’y intindi mo ang magkalayo, di mo pababayaan….parati mararamdaman
Ngunit bakit nang humingi ng pagpaparamdam, lalong pinagkait?
Bakit ayaw isiping kulang ang aking hanging nalalanghap?
Ang init na, init ng ulo, ng katawan….naisip kong marahil
Hangi’y di na ako mahal, pagkat pagpapahalaga sa ki’y kinalimutan na
Kung mag-isip mang maghanap ng ibang simoy, masisisi ba ?
Ipinaglalabang hanapin ang dati’y atin ngunit nasaan ka…aking katuwang?
May katuwang na bang iba? Mas matayaog ba ang lipad ng inyong bagong saranggola?
Akala ko’y wika’y walang iwanan sa dilim....wari’y ko’y pati ito’y limot na rin.
Paalam hangin.
nararamdaman kapag nagpaparamdam
kasiglahan ng katawan ang dulot kapag nasa kapaligiran. Iwas pawis, luha ng katawan.
kasiyahan ng loob dulot mo hangin. Napapalipad ng tuluyan ang saranggola ng buhay.
ang isip malinaw kapag biyaya'y katamtamang lamig.
mahalaga ang hangin, minamahal ng tunay.
ngunit bakit nagbago ang ihip, unti unting nawala?
para ba paramdamin ang halaga ng hangin?
o para bang tuluyang pumanaw na?
hirap isiping hindi mahalin ang hangin
walang rason.
ngunit pag nahihirapan akong mahalin ito, kailangan ding intindihin
di matiwasay ang katawan, isip at damdamin
sapagkat kulang ang pagpaparamdam
wala na bang ilalakas pa ang hanging di gaanong maramdaman?
di ba nais ng hanging intindihin aking pangangailangang isip at damdamin?
sanay mainitindihan mo hangin, ang tindi ng pangangailangn sa yo.
Pinutol at nagalit pagkat may ibang simoy ang dumating
hinanap ng hinanap, walang humpay, nasaan ang hanging dati'y akin?
kelan kaya maiisip na kaw pa rin ang hanap ng isip at damdamin?
ah...di nagpaalam at naglaho, marahil may iba nang pinararamdaman.
ang isip at damdamin, di mapalagay, magpaparamdam bang uli at babalik o pansamantalang darating upang magpaalam?
heto naghihintay sa initan ng disyerto....hirap ang isip, puso't damdamin.
sabi ko dati'y walang rason para di mahalin ang hangin....
ako'y napaisip, bakit nga ba ako nababalisa
tunay ngang mahirap ....oo nga pala....kapag hangi’y kinitil
lahat ng kapaligiran titigil sa paggalaw
saranggola'y di maipapalipad,
akong nasa initan di matitiis ang matinding pawis
wala ng saranggola, nalugmok pa sa loob ng bahay
di alam ang gagawin...malungkot nagtatanong....bakit walang hangin?
sabi ng ina, intindihin anak di lahat ng araw may simoy ng hangin, darating din yan, wag magmadali, humunos dili
naghintay, inintindi, nangarap na may bukas pa....pag-asang saranggola'y lilipad muli
sasayang muli
ngunit napaisip ako, aantayin pa ba ang hangin o di kaya'y baguhin ang saranggolang di na aasa sa hangin?
nais lamang sanang sumaya muli...makalabas na tumatakbong salubungin ang hangin, lapat ang saranggola sa dibdib
tanggap ba kung pagkait na tuluyan ang hanap na hangin?
malungkot na malungkot na tatanggapin dahil sa nakasanayang simoy akala'y wagas.... yun pala'y.....may hangganan rin
tanong sa sarili'y pimahalagahan ba ng wasto ang biyayang hangin nang ito'y sumisimoy pa?
di bagat sabay naming pinalipad ang saranggola? mayroon bang ibang pagpapahalagang hihigit pa?
tanong ni ina, bat nagsungit ang hangin, anak?
marahil ina, sabi ko kasi'y, "lakasan mo pa! Hina mo naman ! "
nang di na malaksan, pinilit ko pa, sabi ko'y bat ako kinakaya pa?
Sagot ng hangi’y, labada ni ina aking tinutuyo, sabay tulak sa ating saranggolang papalayo.
Ako’y nag-isip, hangi’y tama sa pagpapahalaga,
Huwag pilitin ibahin ang pakay ng hanging
Pagsilbihan pati ina’t saranggola’y paliparin.
Wika ko’y sige hangin, pangangailangan ni ina muna’y tuparin
Akin munang itatago ang saranggolang , balang araw, lilipad rin.
Ako kaya, mahalaga kaya sa hangin?
O di kaya’y panandaliang pangangailangan lamang upang layuning itupad
Saranggola’y matayog na lumipad ?
Nakita ko ang pagpapahalaga sa ina, ba’t sa aki’y di ganoon ang wika.
Sabi mo’y intindi mo ang magkalayo, di mo pababayaan….parati mararamdaman
Ngunit bakit nang humingi ng pagpaparamdam, lalong pinagkait?
Bakit ayaw isiping kulang ang aking hanging nalalanghap?
Ang init na, init ng ulo, ng katawan….naisip kong marahil
Hangi’y di na ako mahal, pagkat pagpapahalaga sa ki’y kinalimutan na
Kung mag-isip mang maghanap ng ibang simoy, masisisi ba ?
Ipinaglalabang hanapin ang dati’y atin ngunit nasaan ka…aking katuwang?
May katuwang na bang iba? Mas matayaog ba ang lipad ng inyong bagong saranggola?
Akala ko’y wika’y walang iwanan sa dilim....wari’y ko’y pati ito’y limot na rin.
Paalam hangin.
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